Our relationships are possibly the biggest contributing factor of who we become in life. Growing up in a celebrity environment made me wary of associations and people’s intentions. As I’ve stepped outside that bubble I’ve learned to analyze the types of relationships that are beneficial, and those that aren’t.
We need three types of people to help us reach our goals. This combination of relationships creates optimal balance in our growth, paving the way for success.
We need coaches. We need teammates. And we need fans.
Don't be surprised by the sports analogy. It works.
Over the next three weeks we’ll address each individually. For today, let’s talk coaches.
COACHES
Feel free to substitute your non-sports terms for a coach; parent, mentor, teacher, therapist, life coach! Good coaches are skilled trainers who have been where you’ve been and have the tools to use that experience to assist you in your development.
They share your enthusiasm, prepare you for what’s to come, remind you of your training, and allow you to learn from your mistakes. They jump in only when you need rescuing. and even then, they may refrain, knowing how valuable failure can be.
Brothers and Backflips
Ivy learned to do a backflip on the trampoline all on her own. No training, no technicalities, just the stuff kids are made of. She did at least a hundred backflips before the summer was over. Then winter came and she got out of the habit.
When spring came, it was time to jump again. Only she couldn’t do it. Every time she’d start the flip, she’d get scared. Even with experience, she got stuck. No amount of coaxing or coaching would budge her. Fear won.
Fear won, that is, until big brother stepped in.
First, he asked her what she was afraid of. “Getting a concussion,” she said. With ample experience in the concussion department, he was able to credibly ease her worry.
Next, he climbed up on the tramp with her and fell in sync with her jumping. He put one hand on her chest and readied his other hand behind her knees. “I’ve got you,” he reassured.
They counted together, one, two, three, flip. After a couple successful flips, he put his hands at the ready again, told her, “See? You’ve got this” and on three, pulled away. She’d landed successfully before realizing he hadn’t helped that time.
Sometimes we need a little help and a coach can be a valuable resource.
Three C’s of an effective coach are: Connect, Communicate, and Champion.
Connect
First, a coach has to know where his* player is coming from. Like big brother, he provides a safe space and extends an invitation. He wants to meet you on your ground. He must engage there in order to assess your potentials and limitations.
The first thing I ask a client is what they value. I don’t have to agree, but I do have to see them where they are without judgment. Chances are, I’m able to connect with at least one of the things they hold most dear. Most of the time we connect on many.
Without connection, we can neither coach nor be coached.
Bonus tip: If you don’t feel seen by your coach, one or both of you needs to be more vulnerable.
Communicate
Too many coaches struggle here, and failure to communicate is the quickest way to lose the connection you made in step one. A coach has to speak the language. Please remember that language is first learned by listening and observing.
Kelly and I coached a little girls’ basketball team and one of the first things I noticed was that we only had about ten seconds to give directions. At eleven seconds of instruction they’d start doing handstands.
Another thing we noticed was they had no knowledge of basketball terminology so most of the words we were using left them clueless. That's when we lost the connection. We made some adjustments, spoke simply, let them name the plays after breakfast foods, and occasionally timed their handstands.
Champion (not the noun, the verb).
To ‘champion’ is to promote, defend, uphold, support. A coach is an advocate. He's not afraid to demonstrate his expertise, but allows his student to take the stage. He matches your enthusiasm, and campaigns for you shamelessly.
He knows how to balance critique and praise to the point you know he's got your back.
He also shines the light on your fears so you can take control of them, and at critical points moves in close. Like big brother, he lines up next to you and takes you from “I’ve got you” to “You’ve got this.”
He doesn’t have to be and really shouldn’t be a buddy. It should be a tough love. He isn't afraid to hurt you, to build you.
Coachability
Relationships are always two sided. We can’t talk about coaches without addressing coachability. A coach’s job hinges significantly on the client’s desire to improve.
Sometimes a coach is hired by an involved third party; the parent of a wayward child, the trainer of a gifted but defiant athlete. These are often less successful clients because they didn’t seek coaching on their own. In these cases, the client will only improve when they enlist. No coach, no matter their skill, can influence someone without their permission.
A coach can only be successful when their subject is willing, able, and humble. If any of those qualities are missing, there won’t be sustainable influence, no matter how gifted the coach. I’m able to train for a marathon, but I’m not willing. I’m willing to own a ranch in Montana, but I’m not able. Well, not yet.
Humility
Above all is humility. This begins with respect for and value of what the coach has to offer. There is also a thickness of skin necessary when it comes to critical instruction. Coachable means neither combative nor offendable. When instruction is given, there should be no argument or push-back from the recipient.
When Danny got his pilot’s license, he was trained to stand down immediately if the instructor ever said the words, “I have the plane.”
On his first trip in a new plane, his inexperience caused him to miss a critical protocol that had life threatening consequences. Had his instructor not taken over, they both would have died. Fortunately, when the instructor said those key words, he put up no protest.
What would’ve happened if he’d argued, “No, no I can handle it, really” or questioned “Why, what’s the problem?” Humility underlies all the other qualities and is a critical characteristic of a coachable student.
Sum-up When seeking a coach, find someone who can connect, communicate and champion your efforts. Ensure you're coachable, ready to work hard and above all, be humble. There’s much to be gained from this relationship if you’ll allow it.
*gender designation for consistency/simplicity
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